The Operation
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Posted:Jan 3, 2015 10:33 am
Last Updated:Jan 3, 2015 10:03 pm
14045 Views
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The Operation
The Doctor said: "The good news is, I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed.
He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit.
It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."
Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."
Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's
see, size 36."
Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head.
"You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache."
~Vaya con Dios~
Feliz Año Nuevo
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The Jones Brothers
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Posted:Nov 26, 2014 12:38 am
Last Updated:Jan 3, 2015 10:36 am
15155 Views
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The Jones Brothers
Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones.
John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single.
The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat.
It happened that John Jones wife died the same day that Joes rowboat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible.
Joe smiled and said, Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start.
Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish.
Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw.
She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her.
It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything.
The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town.
They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them.
I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked.
Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her.
She cracked right up the middle.
Before he could finish the old lady fainted!
Sort of brings a tear to your eye now don't it!
~Vaya con Dios~
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Down To Hell
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Posted:Oct 20, 2014 8:24 am
Last Updated:Nov 26, 2014 12:39 am
16076 Views
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Down To Hell . . .
An Old Lady dies and goes to Heaven.
She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, when all of a sudden, she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the Old Lady, "what is happening?"
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The Old Lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the Old Lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
Shaking her head, the Old Lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to Hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be taken advantage of sexually and sodomized."
"Sure" says the Old Lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"
Sort of brings a tear to your eye, now don't it ~Vaya con Dios~
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And it's Winter before we know it . . .
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Posted:Sep 18, 2014 7:27 am
Last Updated:Sep 19, 2014 10:59 pm
17287 Views
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And it's Winter before we know it . . .
You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching You unaware of the passing years.
It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my new mate.
And yet in a way, it seems like many many moons ago, and I wonder where all the years went.
I know that I lived them all . . .
And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams!
But, here it is . . . the Winter of My Life and it catches me by surprise.
How did I get here so fast?
Where did the years go and where did my babies go?
And where did my youth go?
And who cares where did the X go?
In My Youth, I remember well, seeing older people through the years, listening to their stories and thinking those older people were years away from me and that Winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.
But, here it is My Friends, some are retired and really getting gray as they move slower and in the mirror I see an older person now.
Lots are in better shape than me, but, I do see the great change.
Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we would be.
Each day now, I find that just getting to wake up is a real target for the day!
And taking a nap is not a treat anymore it's mandatory!
Cause if I don't on my own free will and due to health, as I count the days, I just fall asleep where I sit!
And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!!
But, at least I know, that though the Winter will soon come, although very short and I'm not sure how long it will last this I know, that when it's over, its over and Yes, I do have regrets.
Be True to yourself, even when it is the most difficult thing to do.
Forget what hurt You, but never forget what it taught You.
There are things I wish I had not done and things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy too have done.
You will find as You look back upon Your Life that the moments when You have really lived are the moments when You have done things in the Spirit of Love and lived them all well.
I believe age is a state of mind and age has no boundaries!
So there you go ... fear nothing, risk everything and have no regrets for how they ever made you smile!
Take each day, each step, each breath and Live each moment, making many warm memories all very special, as if they may be your last.
It's all in a Lifetime . . .
So, if you're not in your Winter yet, let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think.
So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do not do it so quickly!
Sometimes the moment has chosen You!
There is only one happiness in life, to Love and be Loved.
You must Love in such a way that the person You Love feels Free!
Only Time decides who You meet in Your Life, Your Heart decides who You want in Your Life, and Your behavior decides Who stays in Your Life.
Jus' do what makes You happy, be with Who makes You smile, Laugh as much as You Breathe, Love as long as You Live.
Take time to enjoy the moment when it is right and not be in a hurry, but do not put things off too long, like some I have!!
Life will pass You by quickly and can be a whisper, this I know very well!
So, do what You can today, as You can never be sure whether this is your Winter or not!
You have no promise that You will see all the seasons of your life, so live well for today and say all the things that You want your Loved ones and Friends to remember and hope that they appreciate and Love You for all the things that You have done for them in all the years past on making warm memories!!
Life is a gift to you from God.
The way You live your life is your gift to those who come after.
Give those Your Love, close to your Heart, even those You have not met.
Love Creates Beauty!
Do not fight for the perfect Love of Your dreams.
Struggle for those who without being perfect makes You dream and see the Beauty of Life.
The person that really Loves You is that looking at the Sky and in Silent Prayers, asking God for You, that take care of You and protect and to never allow that suffers.
That Your Happiness depend not on Time, because it changes.
That Your Happiness depend not on Money, because it vanishes.
That Your Happiness does not rely on Emotions, because we betray.
That Your Happiness does not rely on People, because we are imperfect.
Your Happiness depends on God who does not change and remains forever, is Faithful, is Perfect and Loves You as no one ever Love You!
Every time You wake, wake with New Eyes and ask Yourself, “What Good things am I going to do today?”, but always remember when the sun goes down, at each sunset, it will take part of Your Life with it.
Just because the Past did not turn out like You wanted it too, does not mean that Your future can not be better than You ever have imagined and soon it will be Winter.
The greatest gift that You can ever give someone is Your Time, because when You are giving someone Your Time, You are giving someone a portion of Your Time You will never get back.
Life always offers You a second chance, it is called Tomorrow . . .
Only God will know . . .
And it's Winter before we know it . . .
~Vaya con Dios Y Amor En Su Corazon Siempre ~
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Happy Thanksgiving To My Naughty A F F Friends
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Posted:Nov 24, 2013 10:09 pm
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2014 6:12 pm
24439 Views
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Happy Thanksgiving To My Naughty A F F Friends
Thank you for the warm thoughts for I tip my hat to my dear friends. I do hope this finds you and yours well this season. Ma Nature has slipped off her Autumn robe to prepare for the Great Circle of Life. Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile. The days grow shorter with a coolness in the crisp air to gently fill your lungs, stirred softly by the breath of its Creator, while the leaves of many color dance quietly in the wind to celebrate this day of Givin' Thanks with a smile in your heart to always share.
It's the season of the harvest when our hearts and homes, all show that the spirit of love and thankfulness to my true friends, tho my arms are short and can not reach yours, together in true friendship, we share this gift of His beauty and we are rewarded. Wishing you and yours; the Spirit of Thanksgiving which is gratitude, The Gladness of Thanksgiving which is abundance, and the Heart of Thanksgiving which is togetherness cuz' Good friends make the roughest trails easy to ride to enjoy our most pleasures and sacred desires.
Thank you for your Great Kindness and True Blessings sent to a good for nothin' cowpoke words can not express but felt deep within for sharin' your warm smiles with me always and when you need me, jus' whisper my name! May all walks of life who enter your kindness be blessed with His Strength and His Wisdom! Happy Thanksgiving A F F!
~ Vaya con Dios ~
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The awesome power of a wife's love
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Posted:Nov 21, 2013 12:23 pm
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2014 6:13 pm
24453 Views
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The awesome power of a wife's love . . .
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out up on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."
~ " Vaya con Dios " ~
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How could I ever repay you?
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Posted:Nov 15, 2013 11:13 pm
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2014 6:13 pm
24585 Views
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How could I ever repay you?
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.
She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your Mother kiss you on the cheek."
Sort of brings a tear run down your cheek huh! ~Vaya con Dios~
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The Ventriloquist
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Posted:Nov 12, 2013 1:35 pm
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2013 12:24 pm
24740 Views
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The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring Minnesota and puts on a show in a small town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general. Pathetically, and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells; "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."
~Vaya con Dios~
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Free Sex
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Posted:Nov 11, 2013 1:20 pm
Last Updated:Nov 12, 2013 1:39 pm
24588 Views
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Free Sex . . .
A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close!
The number was 7. Sorry. no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn't really give away FREE Sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, LeRoy. It ain't rigged. My WIFE won twice last week."
There is a crack in everything, that is how the light shines in!
~Vaya con Dios~
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A Blonde School Girl
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Posted:Nov 11, 2013 1:16 pm
Last Updated:Nov 13, 2013 12:14 pm
24814 Views
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Jenny, a blonde girl, came skipping home from school today...
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other could only count to four, but I counted to 10.
See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a very nice pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
~Vaya con Dios~
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TRICK-OR-TREATING
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Posted:Oct 28, 2013 3:23 pm
Last Updated:Sep 18, 2014 3:48 pm
24964 Views
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TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN HAVING SEX . . .
#10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
#9. Once you've done it, you don't have to wait an hour to do it again
#8. The uglier you look, the more likely you'll get some.
#7. You don't have to make small talk with the person who gave you the candy.
#6. The person giving it to you isn't fantasizing you're someone else.
#5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
#4. If you wear a mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
#3. Doesn't matter if the hear you moaning and groaning.
#2. You don't have to call the person that gave it to you next week.
and the #1 reason trick-or-treating is better than having sex...
#1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR
My Halloween Greetings are being sent to you, in all walks of life, along with a recipe for a magical brew. Take one part giggles, three parts kooky, a cup of wiggles, and a dash of spooky. Mix them all together for Halloween fun... May yours be a very and fab-boo-lous happy one! Hope you have a Hauntingly Happy Halloween! Just Remember! If the hat fits, Wear it! And if you find shoes to match, buy them! If the broom fits, Ride it like you stole it! Hell I wear a black hat but it ain't pointed teeee heeeee neither are my boots! No broom to sweep you off your feet dern huh! Treat yourself to a Great Spooktacular Happy Halloween cuz' soon it's gonna be Los Dias De Los Muertos (The Days of the Dead) or Halloween my Boooootiful peoples!! Have a wicked good time n' Brew ya up some Halloween Fun tho be Safe with yer Twicks r' Tweets this year! I have missed My Booootiful Friends and do hope this finds You all keeping well! Drive carefully! It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
~Vaya con Dios Y Amor En Su Corazon Siempre ~
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PEPPERMINT
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Posted:Oct 27, 2013 3:19 pm
Last Updated:May 5, 2024 12:54 pm
24189 Views
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PEPPERMINT
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him.
He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ............ but they kind of taste like peppermint.
~Vaya con Dios~
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Handsome???
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Posted:Sep 22, 2013 11:11 am
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2014 6:16 pm
25052 Views
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Thought for the day . . .
When 3 people have sex its called a threesome.
When two people have sex its called a twosome.
Now I understand why they call men handsome!
~Vaya con Dios~
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