Thinks you might need to know about BDSM
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Posted:Jul 5, 2013 9:39 am
Last Updated:May 2, 2024 12:31 am
7703 Views
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24/7: A relationship in which protocols are in place continuously.
Animal transformation fantasy: Fantasy in which the focus is on the sub entering the altered mindspace of a different species, often a dog, cat, or .
Abrasion: Using something rough (such as sandpaper).
Aftercare: The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which the participants calm down, discuss the previous events and their personal reactions to them, and slowly come back in touch with reality. BDSM often involves an endorphin high and very intense experience, and failure to engage in proper aftercare can lead to subdrop as these return to more everyday levels.
Ageplay: Usually referring to daddy/ or mommy/baby role play. Does not usually include or imply aspects of , but rather the nurturing relationship of parent/ or teacher/student.
Anal torture: The BDSM practice of inflicting pain on the anus.
Animal Play: The sub acts or dresses like an Animal (puppy, cat, pony, cow, etc.).
Auctioned off: Dominant auctions off the slave to the highest bidder (usually supervised and for temporary use).
Bad pain 1.Good pain and bad pain are terms used lightheartedly by BDSM practitioners, signifying that whilst BDSM may include an element (often quite pronounced) consensual pain, there is a purpose to it, and some pain is consented to and accepted whilst other pain is not. "Bad pain" is pain which is outside hard limits, non-mutual or non-valued, not wished for, and of limited or no value in this context.
2.Good pain and bad pain refer to pleasant vs. unpleasant pain. As a "vanilla" example, imagine soreness after a good workout at the gym versus the pain of breaking a leg. Author Jay Wiseman suggests a correlation between perception of "bad pain" during BDSM play and subsequent injury.
BDSM: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism: a combined acronym often used as a catchall for anything in the kink scene.
Black sheet party: An orgy for people into BDSM sex.
Bondage: Acts involving the physical restraint of a partner. Bondage typically refers to total restraint, however it can be limited to a particular body part, such as breast bondage.
Bottom: one who receives physical sensation from a top in a scene; the one-done-to rather than the do-er.
Breast bondage: The act of tying breasts so that they are either flattened against the chest or so that they bulge.
Breath Control: The dominant controls the submissive's breathing.
Butt plug: Much like a dildo, but pear-shaped with a flared base. The flared base prevents the plug from being lost in the anal cavity; the pear shape helps hold the plug in place. They come in a variety of sizes; some can vibrate.
Chastity: A form of erotic sexual denial or orgasm denial whereby a person is prevented from access to, or stimulation of, their genitals, save at the whim or choice of their partner, usually by means of a device (called a chastity belt or sometimes for men a cock cage) that prevents contact and is controlled by means of a lock by the partner.
Cock and ball torture (CBT): torture of the male genitals for sexual gratification.
Collared: Submissive or slave who is owned, usually (but certainly not exclusively) in a loving intimate relationship. A dominant may have multiple persons collared. Also: a pup's status, as differentiated from a "stray".
Collaring: The formal acceptance by a dominant, of a sub's service, or the "ownership" of a pup by a Master or Trainer. Also the ceremony when a dominant commits to a sub (much like a wedding or other contract).
Consent: Mutual agreement to the terms of a scene or ongoing bdsm relationship.
Consensual non-consensuality: A mutual agreement that within defined limits, consent will be given as read without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned. As such, it is a show of trust and understanding and usually undertaken only by partners who know each other well, or otherwise agree to set clear safe limits on their activities.
Contract: A written-out agreement between the dominant & submissive. It can be either formal or non, and is usually written after much negotiation by the dominant and the sub, outlining what structure, guidelines, rules and boundaries to the relationship are agreed upon by the two. It is not legally binding.
DM: Dungeon Monitor, a person who supervises the interactions between participants at a play party or dungeons to enforce house rules - essentially, the bouncer of a BDSM event. They sometimes also play cruise director to keep/get the party going.
Dom: A person who exercises control (from dominant-contrast with sub).
Dominant A person who exercises control - contrast with submissive.
Domme: Woman who exercises control (see also Dominatrix). Often associated with a particular brand of traditional femininity; many younger female dominants prefer to use the nongendered terms dom/dominant.
D/s: Dominance/submission: play or relationships that involve an erotic power exchange.
Dungeon: Usually referring to a room or area with BDSM equipment and play space.
Edgeplay: SM play that involves a chance of harm, either physically or emotionally. Because the definition of edgeplay is subjective to the specific players (i.e., what is risky for me may not be as risky for you), there isn't a universal list of what is included in edgeplay. However, there are a few forms of play which almost always make the cut, including fireplay, gunplay, rough body play, breath play, and bloodplay.
Endorphin rush: Endorphins are the chemicals responsible for the "high" people often get from activities such as sex, or high-risk sports, and is the body's response to heightened or intense experiences of certain kinds. BDSM activities, especially those incorporating a degree of sensation play often cultivate the endorphin rush as part of their "payoff" to the sub. But also see aftercare for the care needed to ensure that subdrop does not occur afterwards as the body returns to normal.
Erotic sexual denial: keeping another person aroused while delaying or preventing resolution of the feelings, to keep them in a continual state of anticipatory tension and inner conflict, and heightened sensitivity. (see also tease and denial and chastity).
Erotic spanking:The act of spanking another person for the sexual arousal or gratification of either or both parties.
Fetish: A specific obsession or delight in one object or experience.
Fire play: Using fire as an implement of BDSM. This can mean blowing the heat of a light torch onto a bottom, lighting pools of fuel on the bottom's skin, lighting flash cotton on the bottom, and other creative uses of heat. Cupping is usually considered an offshoot of fireplay, although in sensation it's closer to the use of clips and clamps. Usually considered edgeplay.
Genitorture: torture of the genitals.
Good pain (1): Good pain and bad pain are terms used lightheartedly by BDSM practitioners, signifying that whilst BDSM may include an element (often quite pronounced) of consensual pain, there is a purpose to it, and some pain is consented to and accepted whilst other pain is not. "Good pain" is therefore pain that is mutually agreed, desired or permitted by the submissive partner to be experienced, and seen by them as of enjoyment or value.
Good pain (2): Good pain and bad pain refer to perception of pain as pleasant vs. unpleasant. Sensations that non-practitioners imagine to be painful are instead perceived and described by BDSM practitioners as pleasurable or a good form of pain, in much the way that muscles after a workout at the gym may be sore, but in a good way. The transition of perception from "bad pain" to "good pain" may require a warm up beforehand.
Golden showers: Urinating on, or being urinated on by, another person.
Gorean: A sub-genre based upon the rituals and practices created within the world of Gor in the erotic novels by John Norman. Gorean culture is based on stereotypical gender based roles which is considered by many to be in conflict with BDSM where there is freedom for either gender to act in any role (Male/Female as either Dom/sub or Top/bottom)
Gunplay: The practice of including actual (or simulated) firearms into a scene.
Handkerchief codes: Visible signs to indicate to others your area of BDSM interest; a color worn on the left indicates a top, on the right indicates a bottom.
Hard limits: What someone absolutely will not do; non-negotiable. (As opposed to "soft limits.").
Harem: A group of subs serving one or more dominants.
Impact play: Part of sensation play, dealing with impact such as whips, riding crops, paddles, floggers, etc.
Infantilism: Parent/ or parent/baby role playing.
Knife play: Slow, methodical sensation of the bottom with the edges and points of knives, usually without cutting the skin. Fear of the weapon plays a large part in the stimulus of the bottom.
Limits: What someone "won't" do or is hesitant to do.
Maintenance: Weekly spankings to cover the little things that might have been missed, remind the submissive to behave and allow the Dominant to release stress.[2]
Masochism: Act of receiving pain for sensual/sexual pleasure.
Masochist: Person who enjoys pain, usually sexually.
Master/slave: A consensual relationship in which one person receives control (the Master) when given it by another (the slave) for mutual benefit. An extreme form of D/s which usually involves a 24/7 relationship rather than a short period of time (scene or perhaps a week end.) The slave will usually accept a collar from their Master to show that they are owned.
Mummification: Immobilising the body by wrapping it up, usually with multiple layers of tight thin plastic sheeting. Breathing and other safety measures must be appropriately taken care of, often by leaving the face (or at least the mouth and nose) open. Body temperature (maintained to an extent by movement) may also be affected so a warm environment and warm aftercare may be important. Mummification is often used to enhance a feeling of total bodily helplessness, and incorporated with sensation play.
Munch: A group of people that are into BDSM meeting at a "vanilla" place in street-appropriate attire. Sometimes this is a club. You might see an announcement like, "This weekend's munch is at Denny's".
Needle play: Temporary piercings done with sterile needles of varying gauges, usually only for the duration of a scene.
Nose torture: A traditionally Japanese form of BDSM often involving nose hooks.
Nyotaimori: Human sushi platters.
OTK: Over the knee (spanking).
Painslut: A person who enjoys receiving a heavy degree of pain but may or may not necessarily enjoy submitting.
Play party: A BDSM event involving many people engaging in scenes.
ProDom: Male professional dominant (charges money).
ProDomme: Female professional dominant (charges money).
Ponygirl or Ponyboy: Sub is dressed in a pony outfit, with mouth bit and anal plug with a tail. They are told to prance or behave like a pony.
Pup-play: Sub is made to act like a puppy. Sub barks, whines, eats from a bowl, etc. Such play is sexual, but also focuses on the altered mind-space of bottom/pup and the complete dominance of his/her Trainer/Master.
RACK - Risk Aware Consensual Kink.
Sadism: The act of inflicting pain.
Sadist: Person who enjoys inflicting pain, usually sexually.
Safe, sane and consensual - (SSC) a credo used by some BDSM practitioners to determine the appropriateness of BDSM play. Sometimes contrasted to RACK (risk aware consensual kink).
Safeword - A codeword a bottom can use to force BDSM activity to stop - used especially in scenes which may involve consensual force.
Scene: A time period of BDSM activities. Also used to refer to the BDSM community ("the Scene").
Sensation play: BDSM play where the intent is to push people's sensory limits, thus exploring texture, sensory deprival, through to whips, flaggillation and edgeplay.
Service-oriented submission: A person who enjoys performing a service in a sexual or BDSM environment.
Slave: A person (usually submissive) who consensually gives up total control of one or more aspects of their life to another person (their Master).
Soft Limits: Something that someone is hesitant to do or nervous to try. They can sometimes be talked into the activity, or preferably it may be negotiated at a trial or beginner level into a scene.
Subdrop: A physical condition, often with cold- or flu-like symptoms, experienced by a submissive after an intense session of BDSM play. This can last for as long as a week, and is best prevented by aftercare immediately after the session.
submissive, or "sub" for short. Person that gives up control either all the time or for a specified period (Not to be confused with "bottom" or "slave.").
Subspace: A "natural high" that a sub (or bottom) gets during a scene or when being controlled. The sub may feel disconnected from time, space, and/or their body, and may have limited ability to communicate. It is critical that a Dom(me)/top take responsibility for the sub/bottom and be aware of their sub's wellbeing if they are in subspace.
switch: Someone who likes being both top and bottom, either in one scene or on different occasions.
Taken in hand: 24/7 Male dominance in monogamous marriage, with or without BDSM aspects.
Tease and denial: Keeping another person aroused while delaying or preventing resolution of the feelings, to keep them in a continual state of anticipatory tension and inner conflict, and heightened sensitivity. (see also orgasm denial).
Tit torture: The act of causing deliberate physical pain to the breasts and nipples.
TNG: The Next Generation. A tag commonly used by groups and organizations which cater to younger people involved in BDSM, typically ages 18–35.
Top: Person "doing the action" (contrast with bottom - person receiving the action.) Not to be confused with Dom which is the person who "puts the scene together". A male Dom could enjoy CBT and tell a sub what they are to do. In this case the Top is the submissive (following the direction of the Dom) and the bottom is the Dom (receiving the attention of the top).
Topping from the bottom: A bottom who purports to be a submissive but who nonetheless wants to direct the top.
TPE or Total power exchange: a relationship where the dominant or owner has complete authority and influence over the submissive's life, making the majority of decisions.
Training: Either referring to a short period of time (a scene) or an ongoing effort of the dominant teaching the submissive how to act.
Vanilla: Someone who is not into BDSM. Alternatively, sexual behaviour which does not encompass BDSM activity. The term is sometimes used in a derogatory sense.
Warm up: The period at a beginning of a BDSM scene which involves gentle play, allowing the bottom to begin endorphin production, enter subspace, and undergo physiological changes (such as bringing fluids to the surface before impact play) that will accommodate more intense play.
WIITWD: What it is that we do. A broad term referring to all forms of alternative sexuality.
Wax play: The top drips hot wax on the bottom.
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Discipline
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Posted:Jul 5, 2013 9:15 am
Last Updated:May 2, 2024 12:31 am
6193 Views
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Discipline is nothing more than doing those things that we are suppose to be doing to achieve the results we want. If a person desires to get in shape, it requires the discipline to eat the proper foods and stick with a sound exercise regimen. When one is trying to improve his/her finances, certain sacrifices are made. It takes discipline to establish a budget and stick to it. In our careers, to excel there are certain things which require our attention. Those who accomplish those tasks are the ones who get ahead.
The truth is there are many things in life that none of us want to do. Everyone has those items which they prefer to avoid. For example, who likes to pay bills? Very few of us. Yet most of us pay them because we enjoy the services that are rendered. Or perhaps, in the negative context, we prefer to avoid the consequences that results in failure to pay. Either way, we pay the bill. Of course, some are disciplined to pay on time which avoids the late fee while others who lack this skill rack up monthly charges in excess of what they are billed. A lack of discipline costs in so many different ways.
Why do I mention this as a vital aspect of the BDSM world? The simply answer is because BDSM is about relationships; with ourselves and others. Too many overlook this fact. They, instead, get caught up in the whips and chains while neglecting the fact that we still live in the real world. Success in any relationship takes effort. That is something we all know. However, if one is not willing to take the simple steps necessary to excel in the most basics of areas, what is to make one believe he or she will do it in a relationship. Also, what does one bring to the table when an inability to take action on one's own is so prevalent in his or her life? What is really being offered? Instead of getting in a relationship with an adult, we are really dealing with a big . are notorious for avoiding responsibility and opting to do only those things deemed fun. However, as adults we know this is not how the world works. It requires discipline to do all those "unfun" things.
Therefore, when interacting with another, especially if you are not presently in a relationship with this person, look at his or her life in totality to determine the type of person you are dealing with. If this person's life is a total mess, that might be an indicator of something is amiss at a core level. Investigate further to determine what you are dealing with. External signs usually point to internal problems. Be mindful of this.
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Control Of Oneself
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Posted:Jul 5, 2013 8:56 am
Last Updated:May 2, 2024 12:31 am
6193 Views
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The number one skill in life is the ability to control oneself. It is impossible to control another if one cannot gain control over one's own person. Again, this is something that we see all the time within BDSM community. Ultimately it shows the hypocrisy of the person when he or she is unable to exert influence over personal behavior.
For example, I read so many profiles where a "Master" is looking for a fit slave. Nothing wrong with this. However, upon a bit of investigation, you see this individual is 150 pounds overweight. Notice the hypocrisy in this: the slave needs to have fitness as a value when the Master does not have it himself. At the same time, how can he control her when it is evident he cannot control what he ingests. This is not an individual who is slightly overweight or has a few beers around his waist.
Another area I see the double-standard is with money. Many opt for the idea that a slave, since she is completely owned, all earnings are Master's. What causes problems is when I see people entering situations without asking the prime question: are you able to manage money. If a "Master" is thousands of dollars in credit card debt due to excessive spending, perhaps it is a bad idea to enter into a situation where he runs the finances. Why do you think his actions will be improved with your money? The truth is he will not be.
In both these examples, the trait that is missing is self-discipline. It takes discipline to control ones' eating. At the same time it is required to forgo the "toys" when one is unable to pay for them.
Moving onto the submissive side, I see many, in the area of weight, who claim to want a Master so she can lose weight. The belief is that is one is forcing her to do it, she will take the action. Again, we see self discipline lacking. Why does someone need to force you to do something you know you should be doing to begin with? To me, this shows weakness, not strength. It makes me question whether this person will need to be told everything. How can I trust someone who will not take to steps to stop doing those things that are killing her? Yet I am led to believe that one will do it because she is suddenly "owned". I surmise this person also lacks the initiative to do the dishes or clean the bathroom without a great deal of oversight.
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Why Swing?
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Posted:Jul 1, 2013 1:13 pm
Last Updated:May 2, 2024 12:31 am
6015 Views
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Love to hear your reasons for why you got into swinging and your thought on it as a whole. Seems that for a large part, many people don't get into the life style till later on in life. Why do you think that is?
DySir
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Hard Done
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Posted:Jun 25, 2013 7:04 am
Last Updated:May 2, 2024 12:31 am
5977 Views
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Hands bound behind her back and all fours, her face was pushed hard into the pillows, as he thrust forward with the full weight of his ample frame.
"Ohhhhhh!", came a moan borne of both pleasure and pain combined
Unable to resist or move in any way, she had no option but to take him as he pleased. Tonight, it was clear that he definitely wanted her to feel his pain
Her only relief was the fact that he'd prepared her properly for this activity by the careful use of a butt plug during her caning earlier.
It still hurt though, and he knew it.
Anal sex was in fact something she absolutely adored; she found it both painful and in a way demeaning. And as a result, she also found it extremely pleasurable; it never failed to give her multiple orgasms.
All the more confusing then as to why he had chosen to include it in her punishment session that night. This totally bemused her and for some reason amused him.
After a few minutes though, she realised exactly why.....
An insatiable desire to reach between her legs was greeted by a realisation that she couldn't; she was of course bound.
Denial was in fact to be her punishment that night, not the caning as she first thought.
Her frustration began to build, driving her absolutely crazy. She started to twist and writhe as she fought hopelessly against her bonds.
'This isn't fair', she thought to herself. 'He knows I need to cum when he fucks me like that! Arrrgh, he's been working me, and I just know he's going to use this to his advantage, damn that man!'
And sure enough, he did....
Pulling out, he got up and just stood there; looking down at his extremely frustrated sub
"Perhaps you'll think twice about answering back in future", he said in a stern voice
And without showing any further emotion, he turned and left the room.....
This musing is not 'to be continued', there is no part 2. His sub had been a very naughty girl that day, and she deserved every bit of her punishment; as do you for reading this and having naughty thoughts
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What are you? Let's hear your feed back. Don't be shy
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Posted:Jun 23, 2013 8:31 pm
Last Updated:May 2, 2024 12:31 am
6257 Views
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PROPERTY
As noted in the owner article, property is someone who is dehumanised by their owner, or is someone who has reduced rights in the context of their relationship with their owner.
SLAVE
While some consider a slave to be the same as a submissive, it can be more useful to consider a slave as being one who hands over authority to more than their involvement in BDSM activities to theirmaster, as well authority over how long they remain a slave. Thus, the slave's master then can command the slave in regards to how they dress, what they do in their spare time, and use the slave forservice (such as cleaning, etc.).
The experience of surrender to their situation or condition as slave is more profound than for a submissive because getting out of it is not so easy. A submissive can simply withdraw their permission or consent at any time. A slave, on the other hand, is likely to have psychologically surrendered to not being able to reclaim authority, and that means that reclaiming authority is no longer a simple choice. It has become a difficult control issue with consequences for the slave's identity--i.e., if the slave knows that a slave can't release themselves and must be released by their master, then to somehow get to the psychological point where they can release themselves, they must also have broken or destroyed their identity as a slave.
SUBMISSIVE
"Submissive" is a misleading term. A submissive doesn't so much submit as surrender. The difference is that surrender suggests complete giving of one's self over to the experience. Submit, on the other hand, suggests mere acceptance, endurance or toleration of what occurs; i.e., without opening up and accepting the experience.
Commonly, a submissive (sub) has already surrendered their authority over a range of activities to their dominant partner, and part of their experience of power from their partner is knowing that their partner can simply take them and do any of these activities with them at any time without seeking permission or agreement.
SUBMISSIVE SUB CATEGORIES
A brat is similar to a brat outside of kink. In kink though it often refers someone who likes to be the bottom, but refuses to follow orders, in fact they may even try to give the orders. Even if disobedient, they may still be a submissive.
A babygirl or girl is nearly always a female submissive who is coddled or cared for more tenderly than the average submissive. Can also be a term used for a submissive who identifies as a little or adult baby.
An adult baby is a person who likes to pretend to be a baby. They may carry a blanket, have a pacifier (dummy), or even wear and use diapers.
A little has the same needs as a baby-girl... but expresses inner vulnerability and innocence to the point that they sometimes appear childlike in their behavior. It's not about role playing a certain aged , it's about expressing those... childlike needs to the point that behavior may appear childlike
A sissy is a male who likes to be treated and used as though he is a girl. This is often used as a form of humiliation.
A pet can mean a couple of different things. It can be used to describe a person who likes to pretend to be an animal, often a cat, dog, or a . It can also be a pet name showing ownership or that someone is a cherished submissive
Note that a submissive can withdraw their permission (i.e., reclaim the authority) at any time.
BOTTOM
In a scene the bottom is the one who is on the receiving end of the activities in which they and their partner, the top, are engaged. They may be the one being tied up, the one being flogged, the onehaving clips or pegs attached to their sensitive bits, etc.
Importantly, the top doesn't ever have carte blanche to do whatever they like with their bottom partner. The bottom retains full authority and must agree in advance to each and every activity before each scene.
TRAINEE
We can perhaps consider that a trainer is similar to a dominant, but that they operate in a very limited context. Where a dominant takes charge and exercises authorityas part of a complete relationship, a trainer takes charge and exercises authority for the purpose of teaching or training a submissive or slave (the trainee) in a particular set of skills or behaviours.
Similarly, a trainee is dominated or controlled by their trainer for the limited purpose of learning new skills.
There are a couple of consequences to this:
1.Sooner or later the training is going to end because the trainee will have learned everything, and
2.At this point the trainer can no longer have any power over the trainee because any power they did have was solely due to the fact of the training which has now ended.
A trainer/trainee relationship can be very intense. Particularly at the beginning, the slave or submissive has a lot to learn, will need frequent correction, and will require the often-full attention of the dominant. This can make such a relationship very full-on and often very rewarding for both... at least, initially. However, as noted above, as the training advances and the submissive learns what the dominant has to teach, less teaching is required, less correction, and for longer and longer periods the submissive can be left to perform the things they have been taught without any attention from their trainer. This means that the interaction drops, the penetration decreases, and the level of intensity also decreases, both for the trainer and the trainee.
It's common for BDSM couples to fall into the trap of "training" as a way of making their relationship work. Training is an easy goal, such as a dominant wanting to train their submissive to serve exactly how the dominant wants. Both of them may think this is highly desirable, and it probably is, but what happens when the training is done? Where do they go if that's the only D&s they had?
Where training works well, BDSM-wise, is when a submissive needs to learn some skills, such as learning how to present or how to kneel, or how to be a good conversation companion, or how to perform particular sexual acts. She can be given to a master or dominant for a period of training in those specific skills, and then returned to her dominant when the training is done.
SAM
SAM is an acronym for "Smart-assed Masochist". This is typically someone who claims to be a bottom or submissive, but who is usually looking to provoke or manipulate a top or dominant into performing some desired type of scene with them, such to tie them up or to flog them.
Characteristics of a SAM include:
◾Smart-talking,
◾Disobedient,
◾Sarcastic, or
◾Bad or inappropriate behaviour (especially in front of others).
Key ideas associated with a SAM:
◾Provocative,
◾Manipulative.
Being a SAM isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as it is an open and honest game with the target top or dominant.
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Dom or Master... the differences
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Posted:Jun 20, 2013 9:03 am
Last Updated:Jun 23, 2013 8:45 pm
5920 Views
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We've all seen the titles on a screen name, or we've heard a sub or slave refer to a Dom as "Master", but is their use of the word appropriate?
Dom is essentially short for Dominant, the female derivative of
that title is Domme. Generally speaking, if you follow the real
world traditions of this lifestyle, you'll find that Master is a title
bestowed upon a Male Dominant by His community.
Based on their recognized experience and achievements
within the lifestyle, a community can bestow the title of
"Master" to an individual Dom as a form of recognition and
acknowledgement. Usually only those Dom's that have spent
many years in the lifestyle are considered for this honor.
Generally, the ratio of Masters to Doms in a community is fairly low. This title is not given lightly. Even rarer, and seen far less frequently is the title of "Grand Master". This is awarded in a similar fashion to the title of Master, but only awarded to Masters within the community.
The title of Master or Grand Master is non-transferable. When
awarded the title, by a community, it is only retained in that
community.
Another use of the word Master is as an intimate title between a Dom and His submissive or slave. It is perfectly acceptable for a Dom to teach or permit His girl to refer to Him as Master. Just because His girl does this is no reason that others should also refer to Him as Master.
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What is a DOM...How to be a DOM?
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Posted:Jun 19, 2013 12:01 pm
Last Updated:May 2, 2024 12:31 am
6046 Views
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Like the same question, what is a submissive, this is probably one of the biggest questions that is argued about in BDSM and Dominant submissive D/s relationships. Each person who has an interest in the lifestyle will undoubtedly have their own ideas about what makes a person dominant, but there will always be some common threads running through everyone's definitions. It is also worth noting that a Dominant may not necessarily be seen as a good Dominant, although this too is open to interpretation by each persons own ideas of what a Dominant should, or should not be.
There are probably too many individual characteristics to list, because every person will react differently to every situation but, if you were able to observe a number of people, you might say "Yes that one is Dom", or "No, that one is not", based upon their actions and reactions. So, is it a futile exercise to try and define what makes a Dominant? Possibly, but still we can recognize certain familiar and fundamental characteristics that make up the profile of one who is likely to be dominant in their nature.
This discussion is confined to what makes a Dominant personality within the BDSM or Dominant submissive (D/s) lifestyle; for there is no doubt that many dominant personalities exist outside D/s. That said, many dominant people would never be capable of being seen as a Dominant within the Dominant submissive D/s lifestyle as it takes a special mix of certain key characteristics.
Much of what is written about Dominant submissive relationships is centered around control, and controlling. For me the most important aspect of a Dominant is self control. Ask the question: how can you possibly control another if you cannot control yourself? Self control does not mean being totally without emotion: far from it in fact. What it means is to be able to allow those emotions and feelings to come to the fore when needed, and to direct them in the right way. So, we have self control. /font>
Being in control of oneself leads to other similar traits. Knowing what you want, and being single-minded about it. Not being egotistical or self centered, but being able to hear what others need, and want, from you, and using the power, knowledge, and experience that you have to fulfill those needs. Self control also stems from the ability to analyze, and understand yourself, and others. Never be afraid to question, or discuss differences of opinion. Most "good" or "respected" Dominants will likely already have very defined views on certain subjects, such as discipline and punishment. These views may be based upon knowledge and experience, or both. It's worth considering where knowledge and experience comes from. Knowledge can be gained from books, reading, other people, but is not necessarily gained from actually doing something. Experience on the other hand is achieved through participation in an activity itself. So, a "novice" Dominant may well have lots of knowledge, but little experience. That does not make them a bad Dominant, just one who has more to learn. An "experienced" Dominant on the other hand can have much practical experience, although ideally, a good mix of both is important. However simply being "experienced" in itself is not the only means to being viewed as a "good" Dominant either.
Thinking about what one is doing, and understanding why, and for what reason is important within a dominant submissive (D/s) relationship. We hear many people "preaching" about how to do this, and that, how not to, and what you should and should not do. Very often this is a recycling of what they have heard others say. A good Dominant will be prepared to listen, question, and make their own choice. If they are the right type of person then it is likely that the conclusions they reach by their own processes will be the right ones anyway.
These basic characteristics: Self control, knowledge, and a questioning mind, along with the ability to listen, understand, and question, are the foundations on which a Dominant personality should be built. Next is the ability to accept responsibility. A Dominant should understand that in a Dominant submissive (D/s) relationship, the submissive is going to place their faith in the Dom in many ways. It is inherent in a Dominant submissive (D/s) relationship that the submissive needs to give up some level of control and responsibility to the Dominant. Acceptance of that control must sit comfortably with the Dominant. To have another hand over control of their life, (or at least parts of it) to you is an awesome feeling. It must be borne with great care, and never abused. So, a Dominant does not abuse the power they are given. They never take that power, they are given it out of love, trust, and respect, and the feeling that they can improve the quality of another's life.
Hand in hand with responsibility, as the Dominant is charged with guiding and helping the submissive in their growth, comes patience. Patience in a Dominant is a requisite too, because there may be many times when a submissive may not reach expectations. This may not be due to any failing on the submissive's part, and so the Dominant must show patience, and a calming influence: an ability to help the sub, to achieve what they both want, in a structured and sensible way, and never to criticize when things don't go well.
Being single-minded in what they want is another Dominant trait (although not exclusively, I know many submissives too, who are very single-minded.). The ability to have a vision, and through whatever gets in the way, to be able to preserve that in their mind, and make progress towards that goal, irrespective of what it might be, is likely to be another characteristic seen in most Dominants. Through all these there also remains the fact, that someone who is able to accept the responsibility for another, make informed decisions about life altering (for some at least) processes, of having an ability to manage, and accept change, and alter the plan to suit prevailing circumstances. One's care for another must by definition take their hopes, fears, needs, and desires into account; these needs will change over time, and so, as they do, the original vision that one may have had for a relationship may well have to change. The inability to see that is not conducive to Dominance.
What is the common factor here? In broad terms it's about management: managing the needs of both ourselves and others, and having regard for changes that occur along the way. A good manager has a vision, and a goal, and should achieve that in the end by good decisions in the best interests of whatever he is managing. A good Dominant could be looked at in the same light: managing their submissive but always with the best interests of the submissive uppermost in their mind. Of course nothing is that simple, and there will always be exceptions and unforeseen problems along the way, but a Dominant with the right personality will demonstrate all those traits we have talked about, and bring the submissive through whatever the problem might be in the best way he can
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Question from fellow DOM.. care to advise?
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Posted:Jun 18, 2013 3:37 pm
Last Updated:Jun 22, 2013 9:50 am
6590 Views
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Good afternoon / evening fellow deviants. A little late tonight so straight into the inboxed queries / issues. This first one from a Dom with a question that puts a usual shoe squarely on the other foot. I wonder if everyone's reactions will be the same......TLD
" Once again I am here looking for advice. I have been in a relationship with my sub for over 6 months. Now I know before we started she would have other masters and some that she still answered too. Well after we got together I did not address the issue. 3 months into our relationship the subject came up and I asked her if she had any other masters, she told me no, and I told her that she is not allowed to have another if she is going to be mine and live with me. I told her that if she does that I will consider it cheating on me and our relationship, she accepted. Well a few days ago I found that she had lied to me and had a master other than myself. During the time we are together she continued to answer to him, continued to have graphic cyber sex, and skype with him. She has never met him in person so she did not actually do anything with him but I still feel betrayed. I told her if she could not answer to just me and if he was so important that she is willing to risk our entire relationship then she may no longer call me master and I stripped that dynamic from our relationship so she is no longer my sub. Now here is my question, am I over reacting to this? Is this a common thing? Am I justified in stripping that away from her and no longer considering her my sub? Any feed back or advice would be so appreciated "
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Acid Test.. for the potential Subs out there.. must read
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Posted:Jun 7, 2013 4:54 pm
Last Updated:Jul 6, 2013 11:17 am
6380 Views
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The Acid Test: A Must Read, Especially if You Are A Sub
By Lilly Garcia
The Acid Test & Glossary
Introduction
The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible BEFORE YOU EVEN MEET IN PERSON. Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there.
Step One: Do the Math
Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of true (i.e., natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given D/s oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see online HAVE TO BE FAKES. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!” Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. BUT DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!
Step Two: Know Your Enemy
We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called r a pists and predators. They are all your ENEMY. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Sexual Dominance and submission is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need, and he will likely give you many things you don’t (like medical bills and other assorted headaches).
The Snert
Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply ‘easy lays.’ Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won’t make demands on their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’
The HNG (Horny Net Geek)
HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about there D/s jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas, and hang out in D/s chats for hours on end learning the ‘lingo.’ The are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.
Control Freaks
The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are the type of person that wants to be in control of everything around them. They want all their family and friends to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the OPPOSITE of a sexual Dominant. Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 D/s relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be ‘quite right.’ While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their ‘hooks’ into you its very hard to get untangled.
Ra p ists and Predators
The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the r a pist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! There motive is violence. The best defense is never make yourself too vulnerable. To defend yourself from predators, learn all the in’s and out’s of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all TAKE YOUR TIME getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him (because you will feel more comfortable during that first Scene). Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to loose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn’t need to play ‘hard to get.’
Step 3: Know your goal!
Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. SO ARM YOURSELF WITH KNOWLEDGE! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the do’s and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your Limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that that it’s your ASS that’s (literally) on the line here. Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you ARE in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy is something you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing to you! Well guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in INTIMATE situations. It’s a respite from the way we live OUR everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In another words, don’t look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist. ABOVE ALL, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally ‘nice guy’ you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don’t let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A natural Dom isn’t likely to make demands until its time to play.
Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!
Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out! Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.
Test #2: “You’d better call me Sir!” is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don’t have to ask for titles, we EARN them. Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”
Test #3: “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.” This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.
Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, , etc.]” This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!
Test #5: “I don’t have to answer that question!” or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous LIES that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least TRY and answer every question you have, and HONESTLY at that! Its literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!
Test #6: “Its my way or the highway!” or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but its your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s ALWAYS LADY’S CHOICE!
Test #7: Don’t bother with online collars. Don’t make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real life Dominant waste time on cyber sex? Please take my word for it; the answer is NO. Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.
Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he say’s ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced players. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don’t even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.
Test #9 “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, TV producer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]” Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into D/s, he’s likely a submissive! I have met a lot of female submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!
Test #10 “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.” Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Doms level of experience (and its a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18 year old boys don’t care about the intricacies of D/s; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18 year old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?
Test #11 Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references ON THE PHONE. Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world its considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. But in the D/s Scene its the opposite, experienced players will accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.
Test #12 “I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you can’t talk to them.” Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking TOGETHER. If a ‘dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her FIRST!
Test #13 “I don’t need safe words.” Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn’t need safewords either. Need I say more?
Test #14 “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.” If you hear a “dom” say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e., full time) D/s relationships should involve some careful negotiation.
Test #15 “I’m Married, my wife can’t know about us” If I have to explain this one too you, you’ve got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but ONLY with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe D/s requires complete honesty. You can’t build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.
Test #16 Insert your own Acid Test here. You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a “dom” that falls through, analyze WHY it fell through. Don’t make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.
Step 5: It’s not just the men you have to screen!
Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious! However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG’s who live there D/s lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of “female enemy” is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim. A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and or mental abuse that uses D/s as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real D/s.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types. Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell. Leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can’t, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.
In Closing
This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick “cyber only” in your profile and forget real life D/s? Why not just drop it all together? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be the one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Wizard! Any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!
GLOSSARY
BDSM - an acronym that combines abbreviations for Bondage and Domination, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism.
Collar - a symbol of possession used to denote some sort of committed relationship between a sexual Dominant and a sexual submissive.
Control Freak - slang for a person with a dysfunctional personality type usually referred to as a “controlling personality.” See section 2, paragraph four.
Cyber - slang for being online. Often refers to Cyber-sex.
Cyber Sex - interacting with another person online for the express purpose of sexual arousal. D/s - abbr. for Domination and Submission.
Dom - abbr. or slang for a (usually male) sexual Dominant. A person that derives sexual and mental satisfaction from taking control of intimate sexual encounters. They are often simulated by using techniques such as sexual sadism, bondage, domineering role-play, and generally taking a commanding role in intimate situations.
Domme - abbr. or slang for a female sexual Dominant. See also Dom.
HNG - acronym for “Horny Net Geek.” See section 2, paragraph two.
Limit - something that either partner in a D/s relationship will not do, or does not like. Basically, a specific preference concerning D/s play. The submissive’s Limits should always take precedence over the Dominant’s. Limits should always be discussed and set out before a Scene ever starts. Respecting Limits is not an option, it’s a requirement.
Master - A title of honor for a (male) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Dom in a Scene featuring “Master/slave” role-playing.
Mistress - A title of honor for a (female) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Domme in a Scene featuring “Mistress/slave” role-playing.
Safe Word - a code word used by the submissive to signal his/her Dominant partner to either stop, slow down, or even completely end a Scene. “Safe Signals” must be substituted when the submissive is gagged or cannot otherwise speak. These are not an option for safe play, they are a requirement.
Safety Net - a person or persons who take the responsibility to make sure that your real life meeting with a prospective play partner is safe. This can range from actually “chaperoning” the meeting to setting up “safe calls” and so forth. This is a requirement for submissives, not an option, as it is the only defense they have against predators, , and con artists. Learn how to set one up and set them up religiously. Even vanilla women should learn to do this!
Sexual Masochist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli.
Sexual Sadist- a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from inflicting carefully controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli on sexual Masochists. They DO NOT generally enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Nor do they enjoy using such stimuli on people that do not find it pleasurable.
Slave - a title of endearment and ownership given to sexual submissives that are participating in Master/slave lifestyles or role-playing. This usually signifies that the submissive wears the “Collar” of a particular Dominant.
Sub - abbr. or slang for a sexual submissive. A person who derives sexual and mental satisfaction from having control taken away from them in intimate sexual situations. They are often (but not always) sexual masochists. They often derive pleasure from bondage, and generally taking a subservient role in intimate situations.
Scene - slang for relating to D/s. As in “Yes, she’s a legitimate player in the Scene.” Also slang for a specific session of D/s. As in “I was in this wonderful Scene last night.” Often used as a verb in the same case; “They Scened at the party last night.”
Subbie - common endearment for a sexual submissive, usually a female submissive.
Vanilla - slang for things that are not “kinky” or not related to sexual Dominance and submission.
Victim - a victim of abuse that uses D/s to “legitimize” her tragic situation. See section 5, paragraph 2.
Wannabe - derogatory; most often refers to a person that pretends to be a legitimate real life player in D/s. Most often used in reference to females that pretend to be sexual submissives.
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DOM and SUB
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Posted:Jun 3, 2013 8:53 am
Last Updated:Jul 6, 2013 11:06 am
6038 Views
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Love to hear every one's experiences as a DOM or as a SUB. Many theories about the key to be a good DOM is you first need to be a SUB. I understand the logic behind this, but I do find it very hard for me to release that much control. I love the life style and what all it brings. No it is not an EVERY TIME thing. I still love the soft touch of a woman, and the passion that comes with it. Just that some times the call for a firm hand and being rough is very much erotic. I find myself always some what taking control even when things are "vanilla" tho. Maybe one day I can find a woman/women that could gain my trust enough to release my control and be a true SUB.
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To link to this blog (DySir) use [blog DySir] in your messages.
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