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A little insight into me....
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A little insight into me.... Someone asked what I was into and why, the following is the email I sent. I think I did a better job explaining "me" than I have ever been able to. Just thought I'd post it here to see if it helps, lol. Work was nice...lol it was quiet and not a lot of rooms to set up for this morning, lol and only one that I had to change beds for...iI like these kind of nights. So, I actually have several reasons as to why I an intrigued by the idea of submission. Lol, not even sure where to start. First off, I guess it does have a lot to do with my life. I have 4 sons, the youngest is 19 and severely handicapped. THAT alone has probably been my biggest challenge in life. No comes with an instruction booklet, and these are no exception. That combined with the fact that I managed to marry 2 of (close) to the most worthless men in the world....neither could make a decision to save their life... ALL of that was ALWAYS left up to me, right or wrong, good or bad. The first one was so freaking stupid, I actually told him one time that it was a VERY good thing our bodies breath automatically, because he would be dead if he had to understand the process. Lol, 2 years after we got a divorce he died....maybe I was on to something the time I told him I was afraid I'd have to tell him time to breathe. Ok, we'll enough of that, I DID marry them, so I am not completely blameless. Next, or maybe this should have been first, is the way and the time in which I was raised. When I was a , whenever ANY discussion turned to ANYTHING sexual, it was "good girls don't do that" "Sex is for men, women don't like it and they only do it because it is their JOB" "Only 'whores' like sex"....that one to me NEVER made sense at all...to most whores sex is a means to an end, a way to survive, most will say they can't stand sex. Anyway, I am sure you get my point about my head being filled with complete bullshit about sex for as long as I can remember. I have ALWAYS LOVED sex, for as long as I can remember, maybe even before I even knew what it was... so I ended up believing something was terribly wrong with me. I have always had desires for wild never ending freaky sex, and was never able to admit it....lol THAT I suppose is where 50 Shades of Gray comes in, but I'll get to that. My biological father was killed in a car accident 23 days before I was born....I never had that "male bonding" figure that little girls need. I had the wrong ideas about sex and MUCH of my life I tried to get "love" through sex....lol didn't work at all. My mother was a 16 year old idiot when I was born, I am sure having a without a father was not an easy task for her....however, she still should have had a little more sense, like don't leave your little girl with your male friends as babysitters. ....I suppose you can guess how THAT worked out for me. Then, I read 50 Shades....it was fucking amazing to me .. NOT the rich guy, but the SEX....it wanted to play out some of the scenes....it seriously CRAVED that shit I read. Right about that time I had a BF, I talked about it a little, but it was tough... didn't want him thinking I was some kind of sexual deviant. I did suggest HE read it though. So, when I met this BF, I was separated but still legally married. When I met him there was an INSTANT comfort level with him, and unbelievable trust....it was just supposed to be "friends" well THAT failed miserably. I started having feelings, and I prayed to God to take them away. That never happened, the more I prayed them, the stronger they got. Pretty soon and started believing that God had hand picked this man and dropped him in my lap. I believed he was the man I was meant to be with, and soon I was completely lost in love. I mean REAL TRUE LOVE for the very FIRST time in my life. I gave myself to him completely, mind, body, and soul. I trusted him without a single doubt or reservation. Well, a year later his ex wife had their tell a lie that I could fix.....in the blink of an eye it was over and my world was shattered. When he walked out the door that night I started drinking. I am not a big drinker, and I drank a 12 pack of tall cans in less than 2 hours.....then in a drunken depressed stupor, with no memory whatsoever, I swallowed 90 kolonopin. I woke up 3 days later locked in a psych unit, after a couple days in an ICU. I was completely broken and devastated. I sat in my pajamas and cried for 2 months. It has been a VERY long road to recovery, truth be told, I am not completely over it today. That was January 30, 2013. I saw him a few times after that, we had sex and I tried to make believe it was ok, but I realized I was a secret and couldn't deal with it. I spent a very long time in a very dark place. When I started coming out of it, I began to wonder what it was about THIS man that I could NOT let go of.....one day my mind clicked and I realized it had NOTHING to do with him and EVERYTHING to do with me. I had allowed myself to love and trust on a level I had never even imagined was even possible. I believe that TRUST I had is what made the entire year so magical. My mind is VERY powerful, sex for me is probably 80% mental. The sex was SO amazing because that is how it was in my mind. I miss those feelings so much... So, I started thinking about my life, 50 Shades, and submission. In my mind I thought that through submission, I could get the kind of sex I desperately wanted without the "guilt" associated with it from the fucked up shit that was pounced into my head as long as I can remember. Lol, if I was being "told" what to do, and "forced" to do it, I would be doing my "job".....I tell you, parents and society in general have NO IDEA how bad they can fuck up a 's mind. Then, 50 Shades was mostly about the contract between the submissive and the Dom. So, there are RULES. Very clear rules that are decided and agreed upon before anything happens. In our traditional relationships and "love" there are NO rules. We lie to each other, hurt each other, cheat on each other....and in the end, it's always "well I love you" So I see submission as a way to get the sex I want without the fear of being hurt. You follow the rules, you know own the expectations and you abide by them....no pain....right? And finally, there is the stress....ALWAYS having to do and figure out how to do the right thing. I REALLY want to know what it is like to have that tightness that is stress in every muscle in my body, especially in my neck and between my shoulders to be gone....even for a brief period. I do know sex does this because the year I spent with him was amazing sex and virtually NO stress. I was content and happy. I also think learning to be submissive could actually help me in my job too. Lol, when I started I was a baby, 19 years old....now I am older and more experienced than MANY of the surgeons I work with.. lol I have zero tolerance for stupidity, and very little patience with struggling docs....I very often start telling the surgeon what to do and how to do it....lol, this can lead to deep trouble at times. There are not a lot of docs out there who take kindly to a tech telling them what to do... lmao they usually resist with a vengeance. And they must feel like complete shit when they end up doing what I said and I turn out being right.. I used to be very good at suggesting things in such a way they believed it was their idea to start with....now I am more like "in their face" saying do this....let's get this case over with. I sometimes think the ONLY reason they put up with my shit is that I am VERY good at my job, and there is almost nothing I can't do or at least figure out a way to do....if that makes sense. I am pretty sure that if I can find sexual satisfaction again, I could "soften" up a little bit and not be as abrasive as I can be much of the time. I have talked I depth with many people, and I am NOT convinced that what I am looking for even exists.....but IF there is a chance, and I don't think I would end up more "damaged" than I already am, I think I would take the chance. |
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 A good if long read, I do wish you well in your endevors, and hope you find what you seek .
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That is quite a story and my heart goes out to you. there's always someone out there, and i know, the trick is to find them. Patience goes a long ways, just don't give up.
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1 post 12/1/2018 7:38 am |
wow! C I said there was something special about YOU! now that I've read your blog I see even more of your beauty and how it seems to just come from deep inside. Hum abundance of beautify. inside and out!!!!!!
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12/9/2019 1:52 pm |
Wow, you are a spitfire redhead I really liked the way you explained the way you feel. From the man's side, I feel a lot the same. I never want to abuse women or disrespect but if it was to be discussed beforehand and agreed on then that would open a whole new world that I've been desiring to explore. Yes. I'm married and she was a grade school sweetie but she doesn't share my thoughts on sex. I love to explore and try new things. Many times it is an argument and she'll say just go find it but I don't want to be told.
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You are a very intelligent and insightful women. For sure the interest in wanting go know or find what your boundaries are, I share with you. The difficulty in actually find like minded or serious people. Is great. We just mus use patience and discover creativity in our quest. I'll choose saying your hot, smart, and not alone . Good luck keep smiling azraynnes / gm
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