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Fox news lied to me !
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Fox news lied to me ! When I headed out for work today I realized I didn't lock the door last night . Imagine my horror when I realized that not only was I not murdered by minorities or pro-lifers , but I WASN'T MURDERED AT ALL . How is that possible ? My whole world view as been shaken to its very core - to the core I say ! If Fox News is wrong about this is it possible they're wrong about something else ? Is Obama not a foreign born terrorist sleeper ? Did the UN not sell the rights to my organs to China when I reach age 45 ? I don't know what to believe anymore . Just kidding , I don't watch Fox News (or real news channels) but I did leave my door unlocked last night apparently . Speaking of which I hear Canadians don't lock their doors . True/false ? And if true what cool stuff do you have in your house that could easily be carried by a lone man with no appreciable upper body strength ? I ask purely for research purposes of course . When I moved into my house I gave a lot of though to home defense . I didn't buy a gun because although my friends are all dirty hunters and generally gun-obsessed I'm not a fan . Also if I had a gun there's a 100% chance I would shoot an "innocent" bystander within the first 24 hours of ownership . First time anyone walked towards the house I'd go full auto without even thinking about it . Also Unforgiven is a great movie - one of my favorite scenes is right after Little Bill beats down William Munny . Strawberry Alice says to him "You just kicked the shit out of an innocent man ." And he replies "Innocent ? Innocent of what ?" That about sums up my world view right there . I have been accused of thinking that everyone's out to get me , which is not accurate . There are only a couple people out to get me and they're all ladies so I know its sexist of me but I'm not too worried about them . In the interest of full disclosure a guy did try to kill me once but he went to jail and got all the fight taken out of him - I prefer not to know how . But what I do worry about is all the people out there who are just out to get someone - they don't care who . I just don't want to make myself an easy target . So I just got a couple machetes , a few knives , and a hatchet to hide in strategic locations around the house . Everyone told me for security you need a dog , but I hate dogs . A lot . I won't get on an anti-rant but I do not see the appeal at all - a seems less like a pet to me than a huge annoying burden . Also when I was a youth I had a crush on Jeanne Garofalo for some reason so I saw a lot of terrible movies , one of which was Must Love Dogs . Unfortunately I've seen worse . She had a pretty decent stand up act though . Since dogs were out my next choice was a wolverine but there's obstacles there . One I would need an exotic pet license . Two based on what I know about wolverines it would be hard to train it not to claw my face off . So I settled on a badger - they're fierce in defense of their home but not remorseless killing machines like wolverines . I never found a badger hook-up , but it turned out it didn't matter . Why ? Because after I moved in I didn't even care anymore . I used to get really freaked out by any noise in the night or hearing a voice outside , anything like that - but for some reason after I moved into my house it doesn't bother me anymore . I'm pretty sure if I saw someone standing over me with a knife I'd just turn over and go back to sleep . Either they're going to kill me or they're not - on which case I have work in the morning . I lived with my sister for a couple years after the miserable failure of my business so I guess maybe I was worried for her ? But even when she wasn't there I still got freaked out by the idea of someone breaking in . I can't explain why it doesn't bother me now . Break-in story #1 . When I went away to college rather than live on campus I bought a trailer . For the most part I liked living in a trailer park , my trailer was 1000% nicer than any of my friend's apartments at the time . One night I was woken up by someone kicking in the front door . I went out the window quick as a coward but there were two dudes out there too . Turns out the guy who lived there before me owed money to the kind of person who was willing to kick in doors to get it . When he saw I wasn't him he apologized - which I found refreshing . A criminal with manners . He gave me some money to fix the door too . Break-in story #2 . One time when I was living with my sister and she was on vacation some generic religious types pulled up in a huge red 4x4 . There was a very handsome fellow and a really attractive lady along with a mutant of some kind - honestly probably the ugliest man I've seen in real life . Ugly came to the door and gave the worst Jesus spiel I've ever heard . When I told him "yes , I have accepted Jesus as my savior" he got really annoyed and went back to the truck . The two pretty people came up next and start with their jibber-jabber . I don't know why , but for some reason I had the urge to glance back at the patio door and when I did I saw a guy with a little trying to pry open the back door with a crowbar . I slammed the front door and ran back there just as they got it open and the dude took off . I don't know why but I smacked the hard as hell in the face before he took off too . I have no idea what the hell was going on there . That bothered me for a long time . Anyway the point is the first night I spent in my house all that anxiety went away . I find that very strange . Now for the tangents Game of Thrones update - I'm halfway through the first season and the king is still alive . When are these lazy bad guys going to assassinate him already ? Also there's a scene where a crazy lady breastfeeds like an 9 year old . Which is disturbing enough as a scene , but think about what that means - how did they film that ? There's no answer I like to that question . Eyebrow update - For those of you who don't know , a unibrow may be unsightly but it is more effective at keeping sweat out of your eyes . Every now and them I trim the uni into two singletons and when I play tennis or broomball or kubb I'm 1/5th blind the whole time . I would bet that the unibrow is an evolutionary benefit that will be universal some day . Get it ? Unibrow ? Universal ? Good stuff . Sexual harassment update - Turns out its not very funny in real life . I was standing outside a conference room waiting with my boss and a comely young (and I do mean young) lass today and out of the blue he say something to her about rubbing oil all over her body . I was floored . There's plenty of dirtbags in any office but I never got any whiff of that from him . I really wanted to bite his face off but I have a mortgage to pay you know . I could tell she was really uncomfortable . I feel like a dick for not doing anything . Sexual harassment story #1 - My first job was cataloging microfiche after school when I was 15 . It was me , 3 people from my school and a disgusting blob in his 40s who was nominally in charge . He was a huge asshole to the other dude who was , oh , how shall I put it ? He had one hand on the may-pole if you know what I mean . Also he was always telling the 2 girls (one of which I had a crush on of course) how his wife didn't fulfill him sexually , etc. And what made it worse he treated me like we were good buddies . One day I couldn't take it anymore and I sucker punched him in the throat and jumped out of a second story window because I was afraid he was going to get up and kick the shit out of me . That's the only time I've ever punched someone . That's the only job I've ever been fired from . Also that's the dude who went to prison for trying to kill me . See how that all tied together ? Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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See this is what happens. Somewhere along the way, someone said to you: "May you live in interesting times"
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Fabulous read, tonight- just the humor I needed. I'd love to be inside your head for a day and enjoy the internal dialogue  .."...and then God created the orgasm, so women can moan even when they are happy"- Tantra 
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The book was great , the movie was a disappointment Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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 It tied together beautifully! LOL was invented because of you.Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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What about seal blubber ? I have sort of been to Canada once . I went to Thunder Bay once to audition for Survivor - I didn't make it very far , but I got back in line and made up a story about how I was homeless and I wanted to win the million dollars to get my kids back from my evil ex-wife . I got a lot farther than that , but when it seemed like I was talking to serious casting people I chickened out . I had to turn right around and head back afterwards because I had class the next day . That was the most tired I've been in my life . I should have probably started drinking caffeine then . Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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You need to come to Canada and get edumacated on the Canucki ways. (And I read the Thunder Bay comment, Thunder Bay doesn't count). Of course we lock our doors, but we don't carry guns, we have live 2 ton polar bears lying in front of our thresholds for added protection. How can you not like dogs? *Sadness*. They love and shed unconditionally. Well, they shed more conditionally than they love really - with temperature changes and all. Game of Thrones rocks. Do you really want me to tell you when it happens? Keep watching - and catch up by Sunday - season 2 starts. I am a celebration of willful chaos and a hugger.
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I have accidentally left my garage door open and awakened in the morning to nothing missing - not even my $3000 bicycle. No, I am not telling you my address. Ugh, sorry about sexual harassment number one. I HATE it when I feel like I should have spoken up at work. Course I'm old and have been at my work forever and they can't get rid of me, so I speak up about just about everything.   
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Hiassen yes , I have not heard of Dorsey Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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I don't know what that means Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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